Thinking, thoughts and wondering 💭

So, as people know from my previous blog, I've not had the greatest year so far. It's been both emotionally and psychologically challenging and extremely exhausting and it has also had an affect on me physically as well

At the beginning of the year, as I knew we were trying for a baby, I started a health kick. I started eating healthier, I started going for walks on my lunch breaks and I started back at my weekly dance class. Obviously due to what happened in February that didn't last long. After my first miscarriage, I was afraid to leave the house so I wasn't very active and either I would eat alot or not at all. And I know people will say you don't have to leave your house to keep active but at that time I was so drained, I would literally move from bed to the sofa. For the first week I did not leave the house at all but then I would only leave the house in the car with my partner and that would only be to visit family or go to the shop. This time, since losing our 2nd baby, I've tried not to fall back into staying the house all of the time so I've either been visiting family or planning days out or seeing friends etc. We've even started swimming recently which we're going to do once a week and once the weather clears up we're going to start walking together. 

I think the outlook we have this time is to try to now take this time to better ourselves physically, for both our own health and also for future pregnancies because although we are not massively obese we recognise we are overweight and in order to lower the risks of different problems occurring we do need to take action. By keeping active and getting ourselves out of the house, it also helps us mentally because we aren't stuck in crying all the time. Its easy to get stuck in that rut, which I know full well from last time, but we've learnt from that and we are approaching our grief in a different way this time. I suppose it's trying to find something positive to do other than focusing on the negative all of the time. 

Don't get me wrong, I still have constant thoughts of both of our angel babies. I'm actually struggling getting to sleep because I cannot switch my mind off from it. I either think of what's happened or what could have been or just different scenarios in my head. Also, when I see pictures of people's babies or see my friends talking about their own pregnancies like having scans/buying baby stuff etc, I automatically think well if theirs went fine and they've now had a healthy baby why has it gone wrong for me twice. Its a very unsettling feeling to have and its not something I can help thinking. It's not that I wish they went through it instead, my god no I would never, ever wish for someone to go through this, I just wonder why it keeps going wrong for me and what's wrong with me? I think eventually those thoughts will fade out but for now it's still very raw and painful.

I just wanted to share how I've been feeling and how we've been processing things. We've also got a weekend away in Portsmouth next weekend which is something that's been booked for a while but we're going to spend some time at the beach to write on some pebbles and have our own little memorial. I think it's something we both need and although it will be very sad and upsetting, it will also help us gain a bit of closure and it's just another thing we have decided to do to help us in this grieving process. We didn't end up doing anything last time so this will be for both babies. 

Experiences and Heartbreak.

It feels strange to be coming back onto the blog after so long away from it. Writing used to be my escape and the only way I could express how I really felt, the only good thing now is i'm more confident in talking about my feelings to the people around me. I have an excellent support network within my family circle, relationship and friendships. But this I felt needed to be written down so I've come back to my trusted blog. I don't know if anyone will see this or even read it if they do, but still I will write, as that's what helps me through my most difficult times, and man, has this been THE most difficult time of my life!

So, my year started off in the best possible way I can imagine. On boxing day 2018 my partner of 2 and a half years said we could start trying for a baby...…..AHHHHHHH! I was so, so, so happy! We wanted to wait until we were financially stable before starting and as he had been in college then uni since the start of our relationship, it wasn't a good time. But he's coming up to his final year of uni and decided we could start trying. I, of course, wasted no time and we got right down to business (I've been broody pretty much my whole life and have wanted children since I was about 19 but it was never the right time, so this news pretty much made my year). So we did our research, got to the doctors to get the information and stocked up on folic acid, and throughout the Christmas Holidays we pretty much stayed indoors, alone. Towards the middle of January I was due my period but i'd already noticed something was different about me. For a whole 10 days my breasts hurt which never happened and I had heartburn every day. The day after my period was due I started taking some tests, starting with the cheap ones and then a few days later we took a digital clear blue test which came out with the words..."Pregnant 2-3 weeks"..... I could not believe it! I always assumed i'd have problems conceiving but nope first time and we did it! We tried to keep it a secret but got so excited it started slipping out to a few people....or several. A blood test a week later confirmed that we were indeed pregnant and so the midwife was booked and we were good to go. It was such a strange feeling,  I was a mixture of excitement and nerves all of the time and was so happy. I didn't have many symptoms at this stage as I was only 6 weeks but the heartburn was still there and the tiredness was kicking in. However, on Thursday 7th February 2019, things changed slightly. I woke up with slight cramping and noticed some spotting when I went to the toilet. I knew that it could be normal and actually was going to go to work but decided I should see the doctor just to be safe. He checked me over, confirmed everything seemed ok but he booked me in for a scan the following morning just in case. I didn't end up going into work as the cramps had gotten a bit worse and I felt it may be best to rest, so when we got home that's what I did. I started going back and forth the toilet every 30 mins and noticed the bleeding got heavier and heavier quite quickly and I noticed dark jelly-like parts on the tissue so we phoned the doctor back and left a message. But before the doctor could even return my call I went to the toilet as normal, thinking it was just a wee I needed, but what came from me I knew did not feel like a wee at all. I stood up and screamed for my partner, and all I could do was point and stare at him horrified. I think the look on my face absolutely traumatised him. The days that followed was a series of hospital visits, scans, blood tests and phone calls. All of which confirmed one thing; we had miscarried. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to deal with it. I was completely broken. I never ever thought something like that could happen to me, but it did and it is so much more common that what people think.
I ended up being off from work for around a month, I tried to go back after 2 weeks but couldn't cope and ended up being off again. I isolated myself from friends, I didn't like being out of the house as I felt so vulnerable, I even stopped going to my dance class which I loved so much and didn't usually miss. My whole life changed in 30 seconds. One good thing  is that me and my partner are very good at talking and just being with him helped me a lot. I ended using a programme through work which gave free counselling sessions as well. And that's what really helped me. To just talk to someone who understood everything and get advice back was such a relief and a help to me. I only needed a few sessions in the end as I learnt to accept that the miscarriage wasn't my fault and that it was ok to be vulnerable sometimes. So we got through it together, I still think about our little peanut and the closer it gets to  when I would have been due, I think about them and miss them even more.

As the months went on, we waited for a little bit and then decided to start trying again in May as it was after my girls holiday in Portugal which also really helped me. And on May 31st, 1 week after my period was due, I took a test and then a digital test which confirmed....Pregnant 1-2 weeks....! We were so so happy, extremely apprehensive and very scared. We were also in the middle of moving to a whole new area so it took quite a few weeks to get seen by the doctor and even longer to get the midwife sorted but I was well and truly pregnant. The sickness kicked in big time! The tiredness almost killed me, the nausea, the heartburn, the not fancying any food and I started showing by about 9 weeks. The midwife did my booking at 8 weeks and due to slight spotting I did have an early scan which showed everything was fine but I was actually 2 weeks earlier than we thought so  first scan had to wait a little longer. But we were excited, the early scan confirmed everything was fine, we felt we were a lot safer and things were going really well.....other than the constant sickness. So at 12 weeks and 3 days we went for our first proper scan! I was so nervous going as I was worried something could be wrong but I drank my water and waited. We went in and the scan started, my god does that thing hurt being pushed into your bloody  bones though! We were shown the baby and could see their heart beating. My partner watched the screen as the sonographer did her measurements and little bits but then said she may have to do an internal scan as she couldn't see the baby's head clearly. No biggy right? I thought ah maybe I haven't drunk enough water or something. So we went out, then came back in, empty bladder and legs akimbo. Then came the words we did not want to hear, "do you mind if I get someone else in for second opinion as i'm not entirely sure if something is wrong". Right, ok, cool, yeah you go and get your other person while I slowly crumble half naked on this chair. So, in comes lovely Adam, more scanning gets done both internally and on the tummy. Both come to the same conclusion; "baby's head isn't forming properly, we need to do a report and the midwife will take you to antenatal where  a consultant will speak to you. What a wonderful day this is turning out to be.
We had to wait for the consultant for a couple of hours but was briefly explained by the midwife that the baby had Exencephaly,  a very rare abnormality where the brain forms outside of the skull, the prognosis not good.....the full truth  after extensive research online is stillbirth as they cannot be compatible with life. While we waited we contacted family, cancelled plans with friends for that day and the weekend and got some food, as we knew it would be a very long day. When we eventually saw our consultant he explained we only had 2 options; to do a medical termination or carry until full term and have a still birth, something I already knew from the research. We discussed this, but we knew what had to be done. I couldn't bring myself to say the words myself so Jordan gave our answer to Mr Watermeyer, who kindly nodded his head and asked Jill to contact the next hospital where he would meet us at the appointment to fill out the necessary forms. This day was filled with waiting, forms, blood tests, blood pressure checks and more forms. The next day we were admitted to hospital luckily I had my own room and my partner was able to stay for however long I was going to be there. This day was filled with medication, bedpans, pains, bleeding, painkillers and more bleeding. In a way we were lucky that 1, the medication worked by itself and no surgery was needed and 2, it worked by the 4th dose and everything came away naturally. It didn't make the process any easier in the slightest, but it helped a little. I then sat in the shower for a good 10 minutes letting the hot water and soap wash over me, hoping it would wash the pain away, even for just a second. My partner was my rock and my hero in this whole process, he changed me, cleaned me, fed me, took me to the toilet 10 times over, massaged my stomach,  helped me shower and even kept me smiling a little....without him, I would not have been able to do any of it.
The next day we were able to go home and even then it didn't hit us. In fact it only hit us the following day where we both pretty much spent the day crying. The numbness had subsided and the heartbreak came into play. I felt like i'd been run over 10,000 times by a million lorries. I was literally crushed. And what the doctors don't tell you is the aftermath of such an experience. The constant bleeding, ok they warned me that could go on for 7-10 days, but what they failed to mention is that i'd constantly be reminded about what I had done every time I visited the toilet, the 10 packs of sanitary towels i'd have to purchase to keep "stocked up", the cramps, the back pain, the torturing pain of the aching breasts which would then start to leak a few days later. It's been the single most difficult time of my life and I know my partner feels the same way. We help each other, when he's upset I comfort him and make him laugh and he in return does the same for me, and that's important in these situations. Don't let the hardships of life tear you away from the ones you love, share your feelings and thoughts, let the problems you face mould you together as a couple, as a family, let the love you have for each other bond you together, don't let the heartbreak you feel tear you apart.

If anyone, has been through anything similar to this, is going through it or happens to experience it in the future. Please don't suffer alone, reach out. To family, to friends, to partners, or if not there are great support groups that really, really do help. Last time I used the Miscarriage Association and this time I have found a community forum through Sands, where you can share your story and connect with people who are the only ones who genuinely do understand what you are going through. You can talk, you can listen, you can share or you can just read. You don't have to meet anyone, you can just use the online forum but they do have support groups and they also have a helpline available as well. This is still raw and fresh for me so if anyone does want to reach out to me at all for advice or if anyone can offer me advice and support, it would be much appreciated. I hope that we can all have the families we deserve one day.

Destiny-Leigh Poem: Falling Into Darkness

Depression is a hard thing to describe,

,

It takes over your life.

It can make you feel very emotional.
Angry, sad, hurt, alone, upset,
It affects you in so many ways.                                                                                   

And sometimes even suicidal.

It comes in many forms and shapes,

And is caused by various things,

It can be the worst type of pain.

When you fall deep into depression,

You start to feel numb and empty inside,
To find happiness becomes an obsession.  
                                                                                        

It’s something you have to endure,
But depression is not a weakness,
A feeling you learn to suppress.    

As more wounds open and scars are made,

You feel like your falling apart,
You try to be strong but feel very afraid.
The battle gets harder and harder to fight,           

Your mind slips further into darkness,
You no longer feel right.

                                     

But you have to stay strong,
If not for others, then for yourself,
Remember, you are not in the wrong.                                            

It will get better, i can promise you that,
There is light at the end of every tunnel,
It's waiting for you around the corner,  
Just like a sly, black cat. 

Don't fall into darkness, don't let it suck you in,
You can make it through,
Just take a deep breath and let go, like you're floating.

                 

Sexuality, It's not a choice!

So, sexuality. This can be a hard thing for some people, even though in the modern day and age we live in now, some find it hard to accept the different types of sexuality's. The reason why i am touching on this subject is because i have a friend that has recently realised she is gay/lesbian and she is quite religious so they believe they may be going against God by feeling this way. This happens with alot of people and some people go to the extreme of committing suicide because they believe God will no longer love them if they feel this way about the same sex. Now I'm not religious in any form, but what i will say is, God also says that everyone should love each other for who they are, and if we are Gods children then he will love each and every one of us equally, regardless of sexuality. People can't help the way they are, it isn't a choice, but it isn't a curse like some people think, i never judge anyone on their sexuality, this is discrimination and it is just as bad as judging someone if they are of a different race/culture, or they have a disability. I find that the majority of people that have religious views, depending on how strongly their beliefs are, will not accept people with different sexuality's and this is why it is hard for people, especially young adults/teenagers to tell the truth about it to their families or friends because they are afraid they will get abandoned. It should not be this way, it is hard enough for someone who has a different sexuality to accept who they are, so if their family can't accept it then maybe they don't deserve that person in their lives.

I treat everyone the same, i just wish there were alot more people on the world that accepted everyone in the form they are born in. If everyone was the same, it would be so boring, it's good and exciting to know people from different cultures or backgrounds. I love each and every one of my friends/family for who they are and if any of them told me they were gay/bisexual/transgender then i would love them the same, if not more for telling me their true identity. Unfortunately, not all people in the world will see it this way, and that will always be the case, which makes me very sad, especially knowing in some countries people get killed/abandoned/beat up/commit suicide just because people/family/friends won't accept them for who they are.

So if you, or anyone you know has a different sexuality please don't keep as it as a secret letting it eat away at you, tell someone you trust, or talk to a support group, or even me if you think that will help, your not alone i promise you that. Everyone is beautiful no matter what size/race/culture/sexuality you are, and i truly mean that! :)


                                                                                


           




 Please remember this....

                                                                               

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Destiny xoxo

              

Dieting!!

Ok, i know i haven't done a post in sooo long but i am going to try to do a weekly blog starting today.
So i want to talk about dieting as i have started this new diet today called the 5:2 diet. This is where i can eat normal for 5 days a week and for the other 2 days i will be fasting so i can only have 500 calories for the whole day. It seems to have worked for alot of other people so i thought i could give it a shot. So far, so good. I've started out with a cup of coffee and 1 nutri-grain biscuit for breakfast and 2 hard boiled eggs for lunch, for dinner i think I'll have a piece of chicken with some veg. The thing i like about this diet is you can eat what ever you want, even on your fast days, it's just about moderating what you have, i mean if you fancy a treat like chocolate go have it but don't have a huge bar or eat it every day, use it as a TREAT. The problem with some diets is they take away the things your body needs ie carbohydrates (carbs). I have a friend that has cut carbs out of their diet completely and they live on meat, salad, some fruit and veg and nuts. To me that's ridiculous, even though she has lost a ton of weight it's a little extreme in my books. Your body needs protein, carbs, fat, sugar etc, the secret is to include everything in your diet but have small portions.
On my non-fasting days, i will have cereal for breakfast, for lunch i won't have much carbs so i'll eat soup or chicken with rice, then dinner will be meat, veg and some potatoes, snacks are fruit and yoghurt. It's healthy and includes everything my body needs. I also try to do some yoga and zumba but find it hard to keep up a
routine as my shifts change in work.
 
My point is a diet shouldn't be something to dread it's all about moderating your eating habits, exercising regularly and treating yourself a few times a week. Also a diet isn't always for losing weight, some people need it to put on weight. For example my partner has a fast metabolism so he needs to eat more regularly, do weight lifting to gain muscle and just include some extra protein in his diet. So unfortunately we are complete opposites, i put on weight looking at a cake and he could eat 24/7 and not put anything on, maybe there's something that could help us switch? Haha! No, didn't think so. But seriously everyone needs to stop taking weight loss so seriously, you don't need to starve yourselves, i've been there, done that when i was 14 and it isn't good. Just be happy and healthy, and if your comfortable with your body don't change it for no one.
I would love to hear your opinions on dieting, so feel free to drop me a comment!



Thank you

<3 Destiny <3

Me. Just giving you all a little more insight to me as a person :)

1) Sexuality? I'm straight, although i have kissed a few girls

2) If you could meet anyone on this Earth who would it be? Either Jennifer Aniston, because she's my favorite actress or Eminem, he's been so inspirational for me throughout my whole life.

3) What does your latest text message say? From my mum: It's ok I'll wait here.

4) Are you easily scared by horror/gore? I get quite jumpy when i watch horror and have quite a weak stomach so try to avoid gore.

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you? I think i had a poem about me when i was about 14/15, can't remember very well.

6) Do you have any strange phobias? I hate belly buttons, especially when people touch them!

7) Are you afraid of spiders? Oh yes!

8) Favorite band? It's hard but i would say either Green Day or Paramore

9) Do you have an accent? Yep, I'm welsh.

10) What is your greatest weakness and your greatest strength?

Greatest weakness: I can't do Maths, I can add up/takeaway/divide that's it.

Greatest strength: I'm a good dancer and can write good poems when i get my head down.

11) Who is your celebrity crush? Channing Tatum - OMG!

12) How do you vent your anger? I talk about it or rant to my boyfriend.

13) Do you have a collection of anything? Not really, I have alot of ornaments.

14) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?Yes, a year or so ago i wasn't a very nice person but i've grown up and changed for the better.

15) What’s a sound you hate/sound you love?

 Hate: Nails scratching on a blackboard

Love: Calm music

16) What’s your biggest “what if”? What if i went to college instead of staying on in sixth form, would i be with my boyfriend today.

17) Do you believe in ghosts? Aliens? Not ghosts, but aliens yes, i believe if we can be here why can't there other life forms out there.

18) To you, what is the meaning of life? To love, have fun and treat every day like it's your last. You only live once.

19) Define art:To express yourself and use your imagination.

20) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? I cut my head open when i was 5 and had to have stitches.

21) Do you have any obsessions right now? My online chat game IMVU and Ariana Grande.

22) Have you ever had a rumour spread about you? I have yes, unfortunately.

23) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? I don't hold grudges but sometimes i forgive someone but never forget what they did.

24) How many relationships have you had? I've had quite a few in school, I had my first serious relationship from age 14 to 17 and now i'm in my second and hopefully last one.

25) Where is your best friend? In her house.

26) Are you the kind of person you would want to have as a friend? I think so :)

27) You can only have one of these things, trust or love: Trust. You can have someone love you but without trust it means nothing.

28) What song always makes you happy when you hear it? Christina Perri - Thousand Years.

29) What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word “heart”? Love.

30) What is a saying you say alot? 'I know like'

31) What's the last song you listened to? Nicole Scherzinger - Poison because it was on my Zumba game.

32) What would be a question you are afraid to tell the truth on? I can't think of one, i try to always be honest and truthful.

33) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? My first relationship, it was the worst time of my life.

34) Have you ever thrown up in the car?Not that i can remember, but i threw up on a bus from being drunk.

35) Ever been on a plane? Yes, when i was 12 to Salou and when i was 15 to Benidorm.

Last question) If the whole world was listening to you right now what would you say? 

Can we please stop fighting, everyone has different opinions and we can't change that!

We Can Do It If We Try!! :D

Today, what with the credit crunch and everything, it is so hard to find a job. I started looking for work 3 years ago when i was 16 and still i have had no luck what so ever. I work so hard to try to find a job aswell, i ask around shops, hand my CV in or send it off, fill in application forms and check online most days, but still i don't get reply or anything. I haven't even had that many interviews either, it's just so difficult to find work. I think alot of employers are too fussy aswell, like i think that because i'm young some employers wouldn't employ me because alot of youngsters mess around and don't take their job seriously but that doesn't mean that all youngsters would do that, it's just judgmental which is horrible for me because that lessens my chances of getting a job even more. And whereas i have difficulty finding one job some people i know have two or three or some can come out of one job and walk straight into another and i'm just like 'How do you do it?!' I want a job just doing anything really, i don't have a pacific career i want to do, i just want to find a nice job that i will enjoy and pays good money, so then i could save for a house and go on holidays with my boyfriend. Surely it's not too much to ask. Another problem with finding jobs today is lack of experience and training. Alot of places do give training but then the ones that people really want which will give a decent wage, you need to have had training or experience, but how can you gain experience if you never had a job before but you can't get a job without experience! It cooks my head it really does! But then even the people who come out of Uni with degrees can't find jobs, i mean how messed up is that. You work for years to get a degree in what you want to do and then you can't find a job, how utterly disappointing. I think that's why alot of people travel abroad to look for work because it's much easier in places like Spain and that to find a job, which is quite bad i think that people have to leave their own country and families to find work, it's not good at all, but what can we do? Also, i never went to college, i stayed on in sixth form in school for 2 years studying Child Care, at the time that's the career i thought i wanted but after 4 years of studying (2 for GCSE and 2 for Child Care CACHE) i found that working with children wasn't for me and i just wanted to find a job, maybe in an office or in retail, i wasn't quite sure, but as i found when i moved in with my boyfriend it's alot harder than i thought. We live in a council flat in a horrible little village and we have a joint claim on Jobseekers Allowance and it's just horrible. We hardly ever get to go out because we can't afford it also none of us drive so we have to pay for buses if we do go out which is expensive, but sometimes we do walk into town. Our friends are always going on holidays and we so want to go but we have no choice, we just can't go anywhere not even to a hotel for the night. But even though sometimes we get a bit stressed we just think we are going to find good jobs, save lots of money and get our own house because it's the way you have to think these days, you have to be positive. And unlike most youngsters we actually want to find jobs and do something with our lives, and i believe we have the right attitude to get us where we want to be some day, we just have to be patient and wait. And that goes to everyone who is struggling to find work. Don't ever give up! Keep your head held high, work hard to look for work and always stay positive, even when times are tough just remember alot of people are in the same boat as you and one we will all have some kind of luck and find jobs. So let's just all try and stay positive and good luck to everyone out there that is unemployed! Cheers to you all! :)

Some people will do almost anything for a bit of spare cash.....

   

But....

And.......

    :)