It feels strange to be coming back onto the blog after so long away from it. Writing used to be my escape and the only way I could express how I really felt, the only good thing now is i'm more confident in talking about my feelings to the people around me. I have an excellent support network within my family circle, relationship and friendships. But this I felt needed to be written down so I've come back to my trusted blog. I don't know if anyone will see this or even read it if they do, but still I will write, as that's what helps me through my most difficult times, and man, has this been THE most difficult time of my life!
So, my year started off in the best possible way I can imagine. On boxing day 2018 my partner of 2 and a half years said we could start trying for a baby...…..AHHHHHHH! I was so, so, so happy! We wanted to wait until we were financially stable before starting and as he had been in college then uni since the start of our relationship, it wasn't a good time. But he's coming up to his final year of uni and decided we could start trying. I, of course, wasted no time and we got right down to business (I've been broody pretty much my whole life and have wanted children since I was about 19 but it was never the right time, so this news pretty much made my year). So we did our research, got to the doctors to get the information and stocked up on folic acid, and throughout the Christmas Holidays we pretty much stayed indoors, alone. Towards the middle of January I was due my period but i'd already noticed something was different about me. For a whole 10 days my breasts hurt which never happened and I had heartburn every day. The day after my period was due I started taking some tests, starting with the cheap ones and then a few days later we took a digital clear blue test which came out with the words..."Pregnant 2-3 weeks"..... I could not believe it! I always assumed i'd have problems conceiving but nope first time and we did it! We tried to keep it a secret but got so excited it started slipping out to a few people....or several. A blood test a week later confirmed that we were indeed pregnant and so the midwife was booked and we were good to go. It was such a strange feeling, I was a mixture of excitement and nerves all of the time and was so happy. I didn't have many symptoms at this stage as I was only 6 weeks but the heartburn was still there and the tiredness was kicking in. However, on Thursday 7th February 2019, things changed slightly. I woke up with slight cramping and noticed some spotting when I went to the toilet. I knew that it could be normal and actually was going to go to work but decided I should see the doctor just to be safe. He checked me over, confirmed everything seemed ok but he booked me in for a scan the following morning just in case. I didn't end up going into work as the cramps had gotten a bit worse and I felt it may be best to rest, so when we got home that's what I did. I started going back and forth the toilet every 30 mins and noticed the bleeding got heavier and heavier quite quickly and I noticed dark jelly-like parts on the tissue so we phoned the doctor back and left a message. But before the doctor could even return my call I went to the toilet as normal, thinking it was just a wee I needed, but what came from me I knew did not feel like a wee at all. I stood up and screamed for my partner, and all I could do was point and stare at him horrified. I think the look on my face absolutely traumatised him. The days that followed was a series of hospital visits, scans, blood tests and phone calls. All of which confirmed one thing; we had miscarried. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to deal with it. I was completely broken. I never ever thought something like that could happen to me, but it did and it is so much more common that what people think.
I ended up being off from work for around a month, I tried to go back after 2 weeks but couldn't cope and ended up being off again. I isolated myself from friends, I didn't like being out of the house as I felt so vulnerable, I even stopped going to my dance class which I loved so much and didn't usually miss. My whole life changed in 30 seconds. One good thing is that me and my partner are very good at talking and just being with him helped me a lot. I ended using a programme through work which gave free counselling sessions as well. And that's what really helped me. To just talk to someone who understood everything and get advice back was such a relief and a help to me. I only needed a few sessions in the end as I learnt to accept that the miscarriage wasn't my fault and that it was ok to be vulnerable sometimes. So we got through it together, I still think about our little peanut and the closer it gets to when I would have been due, I think about them and miss them even more.
As the months went on, we waited for a little bit and then decided to start trying again in May as it was after my girls holiday in Portugal which also really helped me. And on May 31st, 1 week after my period was due, I took a test and then a digital test which confirmed....Pregnant 1-2 weeks....! We were so so happy, extremely apprehensive and very scared. We were also in the middle of moving to a whole new area so it took quite a few weeks to get seen by the doctor and even longer to get the midwife sorted but I was well and truly pregnant. The sickness kicked in big time! The tiredness almost killed me, the nausea, the heartburn, the not fancying any food and I started showing by about 9 weeks. The midwife did my booking at 8 weeks and due to slight spotting I did have an early scan which showed everything was fine but I was actually 2 weeks earlier than we thought so first scan had to wait a little longer. But we were excited, the early scan confirmed everything was fine, we felt we were a lot safer and things were going really well.....other than the constant sickness. So at 12 weeks and 3 days we went for our first proper scan! I was so nervous going as I was worried something could be wrong but I drank my water and waited. We went in and the scan started, my god does that thing hurt being pushed into your bloody bones though! We were shown the baby and could see their heart beating. My partner watched the screen as the sonographer did her measurements and little bits but then said she may have to do an internal scan as she couldn't see the baby's head clearly. No biggy right? I thought ah maybe I haven't drunk enough water or something. So we went out, then came back in, empty bladder and legs akimbo. Then came the words we did not want to hear, "do you mind if I get someone else in for second opinion as i'm not entirely sure if something is wrong". Right, ok, cool, yeah you go and get your other person while I slowly crumble half naked on this chair. So, in comes lovely Adam, more scanning gets done both internally and on the tummy. Both come to the same conclusion; "baby's head isn't forming properly, we need to do a report and the midwife will take you to antenatal where a consultant will speak to you. What a wonderful day this is turning out to be.
We had to wait for the consultant for a couple of hours but was briefly explained by the midwife that the baby had Exencephaly, a very rare abnormality where the brain forms outside of the skull, the prognosis not good.....the full truth after extensive research online is stillbirth as they cannot be compatible with life. While we waited we contacted family, cancelled plans with friends for that day and the weekend and got some food, as we knew it would be a very long day. When we eventually saw our consultant he explained we only had 2 options; to do a medical termination or carry until full term and have a still birth, something I already knew from the research. We discussed this, but we knew what had to be done. I couldn't bring myself to say the words myself so Jordan gave our answer to Mr Watermeyer, who kindly nodded his head and asked Jill to contact the next hospital where he would meet us at the appointment to fill out the necessary forms. This day was filled with waiting, forms, blood tests, blood pressure checks and more forms. The next day we were admitted to hospital luckily I had my own room and my partner was able to stay for however long I was going to be there. This day was filled with medication, bedpans, pains, bleeding, painkillers and more bleeding. In a way we were lucky that 1, the medication worked by itself and no surgery was needed and 2, it worked by the 4th dose and everything came away naturally. It didn't make the process any easier in the slightest, but it helped a little. I then sat in the shower for a good 10 minutes letting the hot water and soap wash over me, hoping it would wash the pain away, even for just a second. My partner was my rock and my hero in this whole process, he changed me, cleaned me, fed me, took me to the toilet 10 times over, massaged my stomach, helped me shower and even kept me smiling a little....without him, I would not have been able to do any of it.
The next day we were able to go home and even then it didn't hit us. In fact it only hit us the following day where we both pretty much spent the day crying. The numbness had subsided and the heartbreak came into play. I felt like i'd been run over 10,000 times by a million lorries. I was literally crushed. And what the doctors don't tell you is the aftermath of such an experience. The constant bleeding, ok they warned me that could go on for 7-10 days, but what they failed to mention is that i'd constantly be reminded about what I had done every time I visited the toilet, the 10 packs of sanitary towels i'd have to purchase to keep "stocked up", the cramps, the back pain, the torturing pain of the aching breasts which would then start to leak a few days later. It's been the single most difficult time of my life and I know my partner feels the same way. We help each other, when he's upset I comfort him and make him laugh and he in return does the same for me, and that's important in these situations. Don't let the hardships of life tear you away from the ones you love, share your feelings and thoughts, let the problems you face mould you together as a couple, as a family, let the love you have for each other bond you together, don't let the heartbreak you feel tear you apart.
If anyone, has been through anything similar to this, is going through it or happens to experience it in the future. Please don't suffer alone, reach out. To family, to friends, to partners, or if not there are great support groups that really, really do help. Last time I used the Miscarriage Association and this time I have found a community forum through Sands, where you can share your story and connect with people who are the only ones who genuinely do understand what you are going through. You can talk, you can listen, you can share or you can just read. You don't have to meet anyone, you can just use the online forum but they do have support groups and they also have a helpline available as well. This is still raw and fresh for me so if anyone does want to reach out to me at all for advice or if anyone can offer me advice and support, it would be much appreciated. I hope that we can all have the families we deserve one day.
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